How to turn a teenage heart break into a grounded prep for adulthood

This post, ripened by age, wisdom and time, comes nearly two decades after my maiden entry into a semi-formal boy-girl relationship. I was a naive 16-year-old who knew very little about cross-gender connection and reciprocity. While I was laser focused at finishing high school with high honours, I still longed for so much external affirmation, which I thought could be derived from somewhere outside academic success.

I do not wish to recount the bad and settle scores online at this hour. To be clear, I'm not playing the blame game to point fingers at who did what that led to such heart break. I have beautifully moved forward to a place where I am most needed and wanted.

This sharing is merely a recollection of how I made a rebound to somehow address teens and many others who struggle with pain and self-doubt following a break up. I'm no expert with young love advice, but hopeful that I can render something of value out of this poignant, youthful phase.

Here is how I got over and transformed myself into someone better.

1. Admit that you are part of the problem. As in any partnership (be it in business, government, and love) it would definitely take two to tango. If one of the parties makes a misstep, such is not an individual error but a dual one. This admission would help put away the blame from yourself and your ex, and may potentially lead to fast healing and forgiveness.

As with my case, I was presented with no choice but to face the last few months of high school dealing with a twofold setback of confusion and academic competition. While I emerged victorious in the latter, questions about self-worth easily haunted me until I reached the shores of adulthood. Sure, I delivered above average performance in school, but this was clearly not a reliable predictor nor qualifier for long-term relational success.

I was never good at regulating my emotions. I spoke foul words when provoked. I looked and talked down on others in the past due to my very individualistic achievements. These traits never helped me form lasting friendships and relationships at a young age. Further, I did not have enough emotional bandwidth to fill another's cup. Mine wasn't filled by then.

To be fair, I needed time to grow. It took a while till I realised that we live by grace and grace alone, and no amount of work by human hands can exempt us from our natural need to belong and be seen by others.

Looking back from today, I can proudly say that I am now very much able to genuinely look after another's welfare. I cannot doubt this inherently nurtured capacity even for one second as a wife and mom to two beautiful boys. I no longer need to wrestle with self-worth questions such as "Am I good enough?", "Am I deserving of someone?", "Can I really contribute anything to another?" - with a full understanding that relationships are never about individualistic pursuit of self-fulfillment, but instead a dual, long-term commitment and acceptance of another's good and bad, strengths and weaknesses at any given circumstance.

2. Honour God's Will and timing. Following the process of my self-formation, an unintentional meeting with God's Word allowed me to surrender to His timeline. I was undoubtedly rushing things when my youth said 'yes' to a romantic agreement with someone who did not know any better.

For standards' sake, the Bible has no mention whatsoever about casual dating. Biblical cross-gender relations would go straight into betrothing or engagement. Casual dating (many with no marriage prospect) was only heavily propagated by Hollywood in the last century for commercial reasons. Ironically though, the US - Hollywood's birthplace - is one of the many countries that saw a rising divorce rate over time due to the overkill branding of love as a mere [fleeting] "feeling".

Since the Filipinos adore anything that is white and Western-centric, the Philippine media were quick to adapt this business of selling emotions with feel-good movies and TV series starring formidable "love teams". Of course, the concept of love as a mere "feeling" was sold to a young audience who lacks the emotional maturity to distinguish love vs infatuation, long-term joy vs short-term happiness, and commitment vs contract.

It is naturally elating to hear from another meaty compliments such as "Maganda ka" (You are beautiful), "Ang galing mo sa ganito..." (You are so good in this field), and so forth. These were fillers in my youth's void spaces. And these were what I traded my trust for. It was only years later that I tagged a much heftier price for this personal commodity. Following God's timeline, I cannot afford to cheapen my trust for whoever any longer. It is now so much more polished with pain and wisdom.

I began the 16-to-25-year-old decade on the wrong footing. They say that this phase is loaded with so much decision-making opportunities that can affect the rest of adulthood. What course to take in college? Which company to join for employment? Who to marry? Where to settle?...and so forth are just some key pivots made during this period that would determine anyone's long-term trajectory.

Science however dictates that parts of the brain responsible for decision-making are not fully formed till age 25, so the mistakes I (un)intentionally made in my youth are acceptable, anyway. But I did not stop at mere acceptance. I willfully chose to use the wrongful consequences of my youth to advantage my adult self.

3. Make peace with failures, and go to where you are most welcome. I did not stay long in the phase of grief following the break up. Timelines evolve fast and I was fully aware that the world won't stop to cry with me and tap my back. Albeit at the earlier part of the healing process, I self-soothed due to a lack of strong social support. I was sure though that I wouldn't die after losing in an emotional investment with someone who unilaterally decided to 'rescind' a mutual agreement.

I rose above such rejection and welcomed a series of failures in life thereafter. I encountered professors who mocked my ideas in public, clients who trashed my draft proposals, and bosses who clearly did not want my performance. While I had a string of achievements attached to my name, the painful experience of young love taught me that I am just fallible. But I am most certainly capable of picking myself up to turn pain into blessings.

Beyond just being book-smart, I had the inner strength to derive meaning from other spaces. I had the academe that drew me. I belonged to youth groups whose intent is to finetune character and spirituality. I carved a career in a cut-throat industry. And I eventually learned love as an action word in the context of marriage and motherhood.

Modesty aside, despite all that I've been put through, I forged ahead and consistently try to make good marks in life's most important areas such as faith, health, and relationships. I have moved miles away from my young, tender self and matured into someone assured of dignity and love.

Today, I can confidently say that I did not waste that phase of youthful failure. With all that I have become, it is worth declaring, "Ah, kaya pala kailangan kong pagdaanan 'yon," (Oh, this is why I had to go through all those). I was put down to stand up and offer the world a better version of myself.